Very often, I find myself prioritising others with a cost at myself. It could be something as innocuous as making a jug of lemonade and not drinking from it until everyone in the household has come to the table. It could be holding myself back from expressing my opinion fully at a family gathering where we are seeking input for family getaways.

I find myself doing this because I often place higher value to the thoughts of others above my own at times. Is that true though? I would honestly say that there are times where I value both my own thoughts and those of others the same. There are also times where I conceal my own thoughts out of a misplaced insecurity that my opinions are less valid than others because my opinion is seen to be lower than the others. This absence of output means that I perceive myself in lacking in a voice when it comes to family decisions and events.

This lack of output is seen both professionally and in society. Realistically, it is indeed true that in Singapore, your title, your work, your accomplishments, your deeds, your very own opinion of yourself and how your peers and yourself view you matter tremendously. There is no compromise, you cannot be successful without accomplishments that are validated by others. Simply put, do you view yourself as the main character of your own story or are you the supporting character playing second fiddle to the people in your life you may prioritise, even at the cost of your very self? I realise many aren’t even aware that they may be playing supporting roles or it may even be natural such as a child and mother situation.

In this new age where individuality is invariably prioritised over the collectivism of the family, characters who cling on to the adage of family character tropes face stumbling blocks in achieving their goals as they hold fast to the old ideals limiting their careers and goals. Self censorship to keep the peace in a family until it becomes a part of your behaviour does not translate well to one’s career performance. Likewise, prioritising the group goals over the individual achievements might not be a wise professional move. Individuals who seek out to achieve their ambitions need not do so at the cost of their individual career plans. They can choose to fly their individual ambitions and develop their careers. This would give them legitimacy in the eyes of others in terms of respectability.

I used to think: why? Why should I care about what others think of me when people’s opinions are like shadows that only flicker the light that is my soul while my soul is liminal? It took me a decade to find out that these very shadows dimmed the light from my soul and made me feel like a became a lesser being, a person, while still fundamentally a soul, but less worthy of respect because of their lack of respect they paid me.

Nowadays, I care more for my opinion of myself. My little victories, my little surmountable challenges that I overcome daily, the routines I have daily, these brighten my day. I realise self-centredness is not a bad trait to have, in fact, it is healthy to tend to oneself before others, and prioritise yourself as first place. The opinions of others should still matter, but at lesser cost.

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