Growing up, my father was more focused on his career and was often away for work. Despite that, my father always made time for me when he was back home and we often had deep conversations. Although he has passed away, I have fond memories of him and myself strolling at our favourite park sharing with one another how our day was and also what we were feeling and thinking at that time.

I was close to my father and I recall a childhood memory I had that was exceptionally vivid; when I was twelve, there was one time when we were leaving the car to walk to the restaurant. I was suddenly struck by a thought-I walked next to him and took his hand. My thought then was “Why can’t I experience what others have too?” With my hand in his, we walked together. That is a much cherished memory I have of us as father and daughter and it remains a fond memory even after twenty odd years have passed. I’m glad that twelve year old me had the gumption to seize the opportunity then and I’m sure my father did appreciate my initiative.

I had the privilege to hang out recently with a group of folks who are more senior in terms of age and got to witness firsthand how they had each others’ backs and how they put each other as first priority. This kind of behaviour, which is to take the relationship seriously, and to stick together regardless of hardship or troubles, is in stark contrast to what we witness the younger generation behaving today and we the younger generation have much to learn and reflect from them.

Let me shed some light on why this is unusual: our family is a traditional Chinese family where physical contact is not the norm and infact unusual. My mother was the sole caretaker of us when we were children while my father focused on his work. Most of our conversations were at the dining table. I believe my father wanted the best for us; he didn’t object to us studying overseas and he was very proud of us when we graduated. On vacations abroad, he always let us have free rein over where to go and what to do.

Why do I bring this up? It’s very personal, but I believe my upbringing where physical contact was as such made me awkward around the opposite sex and made any physical contact totally alien. I attribute this to being an introvert that keeps to herself and starting late in the dating game as why I remain single in my 30s.

Being the only single in this group of senior couples made me think. If I were their age and still single, how would my life be?

I see these couples, some married and having been together for over 50 years, interact. They are each other’s best friends. They know each other so well that it seems almost telepathic. Their relationship seems familiar to me as I see similarities in the relationship I have with my mother. This is not unusual as relationships with family members do not seem that different in families that practice a more egalitarian mindset-of course this will depend on each individual family.

Since my father passed away, it has been almost six years that my mother and i have been living together. I have closed the gap between the original relationship that we used to have. Thinking about it, the dynamic is not dissimilar to married life.

Of course there are differences. I am more inclined to following my mother’s wishes, purely because she is my mother. I afford my mother the privilege of my obedience because she has sacrificed a lot for me. I know that she has done a lot for me and what I can do in return are my grateful efforts in kind. The question for my future is thus then, how and why?

Why am I still single in my 30s? Simply put, I have not put myself out there enough. I have only recently had the desire to voice out my opinions and thoughts instead of being a people pleaser-in short a late bloomer. How can you date someone when you are not sure of yourself as a person?

So how can I change my situation?

Hobbies, hobbies, hobbies. I believe if I can develop myself through applying myself to the pursuit of hobbies I can kill two birds with one stone-that is, let others see me shine and at my most attractive and also because writing is one of my passions which can produce content that may or may not be appealing to a wide audience. Hobbies would naturally let me know more people.

Being somewhat a perfectionist, I have come to realise not everything is within my control when it comes to dating. While it might be stating the obvious, I’ve always assumed that the other party would have the same level of interest and goals as I did. Try as I did, nothing panned out as I wanted it to. Things only started looking up when I focused inward instead of on the other party. When I started making quips and generally being more comfortable and being myself in my date’s presence instead of walking on eggshells for fear of hurting their feelings I experienced more interest by men.

I learnt to let go of my behaviour such as being a people pleaser. Ironically I made them more interested in me the more I expressed myself by way of sometimes not agreeing than when I agreed with everything they said.

Being around this group of couples that have been married for over 30 years made me learn this: Don’t lose sight of who you are after you are married. The love will be more likely to continue long after tying the knot if you remain your own person; after all that’s the personality he fell in love with and married.

Another thing I learned is, have friends that are also couples that stick together. Friendship that is in a group lends the relationship more longevity as there are more things to talk about and you can have a platform to discuss any problems with the friends you make. Your other half is also more likely to think twice before upsetting the status quo of the relationship.

Although I don’t know what the future holds, I’m not afraid of being alone-when I am engaging in my hobbies and in the flow state I feel like I’m detached from everything, and feel anything but lonely. I am perfectly content if I can engage in my passions namely writing, singing, and spending time in nature soaking in the atmosphere while strolling about. These hobbies easily fill up my time and preoccupation so there is no danger of falling into the lonely zone.

I’m very appreciative of the time I spent with this group, because it made me change my perspective of how married couples should be friends fundamentally before anything else. Learning about all this provides me a with a framework for my future relationships and maybe even eventually building my family, should I be fortunate enough to find my other half.